When someone lets you down or says something hurtful it is magnified times ten.  Words and actions are taken personally and to heart.  You know you need to take a step back and think carefully before you act irrationally.  The first instinct is to lash out or take the opposite approach and retreat into yourself and allow whatever happened to affect you deeply.   Learning to remove yourself is a tremendous feat.  As per, you blame yourself and react before you have time to get details or talk it out.  This can be mistaken as a meltdown or acting immaturely.  You KNOW this but at that moment you are not able to react appropriately.  Remove yourself, extract yourself or just calm yourself.  Do not think about what others are thinking, for once think about YOU!  

Do you wonder when or if this behavior will ever end allowing you to brush things off like your peers?

Your "Old Self"

"So how are your new meds working?"  "When do you think you will be back to you old self?"   Ahhhh questions with no specific answers.  I feel some improvement with my new meds, some good and some not so good side effects.  Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes not enough.  I don't really recall my "old self" as my struggle has been going on for so long that I only recall moments of laughter and much, much less anxiety in my life.  To have to sit and really try to recall my old self can be depressing and disheartening.  If anyone is waiting for my "old self" to reappear then you may be waiting a long time.  After struggling for over ten years with crippling issues I sadly don't recall my old self, I only think of moving on to a mentally better self.  Don't let others' words affect you deeply, it can be confusing and saddening to try to recall who you were 20 years ago.  Maybe you have just evolved into something different.

At the end of the day I feel myself and I are just plodding along the best we can and are happy with any positive results.

Does it really matter how you were or is it better to think of what you are becoming?

Obsessive thinking - mind over matter?

  Is there ever going to be a day that I won't be obsessing over something in my mind?  It doesn't matter if it's big or small it will go round and round my mind and continually come to the forefront.  Even the most trivial matter will turn into something that I continually think about and mostly with no resolve.  Is there such a thing as "peace" in the mind?  Does your brain ever stop talking?  I often wish I was the type of person that let things roll off my back.  I'm not!  Just one word or statement in a conversation will stay with me for days and days and I will replay that scenario until I hopefully come to some type of resolve.  This can be absolutely exhausting and cripple you from moving forward.

  If you don't have the type of mind that replays does that mean you are always at peace with yourself?  Just wondering.......

Just beginning.........

Attempting to create a new blog on my IPad has proved itself harder than on the standard computer! Am so frustrated need to take a "time out!" 

 The smallest of things can trigger the mood for the day.  It may seem petty to others but it can be a huge obstacle in your head for the whole day!  Explaining this to those around you on a regular basis feels vulnerable and somewhat impossible.  Then the anxiety is allowed to creep in until the problem is resolved.  Trouble being you don't want to bring up the bad from the beginning of the day at the end of the day.....

Calming ones self without a benzo for immediate relief  can be a huge new challenge.  I have just been given Vistaril for anxiety and have yet to feel any effect other than tiredness.  Letting go of my of my Xanax is like losing a best friend.  It makes me angry at the world that I can't stay on them long term.  I figure why else does the drug company make them?    Even though I am repeatedly told that long-term use is not a good thing.  I'm pissed at the events of the day and angry at those who are able to have a drink to relieve their tension.  I know this too shall pass but, meanwhile.......

Is trusting the professional in charge of your medication supposed to be this difficult or am I jaded?